The Mommy AKA Perry Mason

September 14, 2006 – 7:24 am |

Sometimes, usually when I am cleaning the kitchen floor AGAIN because my 18 month old, whom I call Kong (picture big brown eyes crashing through brother’s Lego towers with Polly Pocket clutched tightly in his grip), has dumped juice out on the floor AGAIN, you can hear me muttering under my breath. If you listen closely you’ll probably hear things like “seven years of [expletive] education, all that [expletive, expletive] debt, and here I am mopping up apple juice – AGAIN.”

Today, though, I found a fun, new, stay-at-home use for my legal education (or at least for my penchant for TV crime dramas). I was on about round three of scooping up miscellaneous little men and returning them to their habitats when I suggested to my five year old that he should help me pick up.

“Oh,” he sighed dramatically, “all I do is clean up.”
Yeah, right, I thought to myself staring at him.
“Why do we have to clean up?” he whined, adding this kicker: “we always do what you want to do.”

Then the mommy got an idea.

“Is that so?” I said. “What did we have for breakfast?”
“Waffles.”
“Isn’t it true that you chose waffles for breakfast this morning?”
“Yes.”
“After breakfast – who came over to our house?”
“Howard.”
“Howard came over because you invited him, isn’t that right?”
“Well, yeah.”
“Then you watched Star Wars – it’s fair to say that’s your favorite movie, right?”
“Yes. Well, Episode 4.”
“So, now let me get this straight, before noon today you: chose the breakfast food, invited a friend over, and picked out a movie?”
“Yes, but…”
“No, I’m asking the questions here!! So it’s true that all day long, actually, we’ve done what you want to do? I WANT THE TRUTH!”

I’d like to be able to report that at this point the defense rested and awaited a favorable verdict from the jury, but, alas, the witness just stomped up to his room muttering under his breath about how all he does around here is clean.

Incidentally, perhaps NASA could solve its dilemma (described below) by just breaking down the adhesive properties of apple juice and using it instead of bolts. There is nothing stickier.