Sisterly Love

January 19, 2007 – 2:31 pm |

Fox’s much-hyped series Prison Break resumes on Monday.   We’ve been in lockdown here catching up on Seasons 1 and 2 in preparation for its return.  We throw the kids (Haywire, Tweener and Linc the Sink as we’ve started to call them) in the CHU when they misbehave, refer to each other as ‘boss’ and shudder at the thought of T-Bag on the loose.   

If you’ve not yet jumped on the prison bus, the premise is that beautiful little brother genius Michael Scofield breaks his big brother out of prison.   And with every episode I watch, I can’t help but wonder … how far would my little sister go to save me from certain death by electrocution?

So I e-mailed her.

“Dear Sis:

If I were on death row for a murder I didn’t commit, would you: tattoo your entire upper body with the blueprints of my prison; pretend to rob a bank; marry a stripper from Budapest so she could smuggle things to you while you were in jail; take insulin suppressants and pretend to be a diabetic so you could hang out in the infirmary with the hot prison doctor who gives you insulin shots; get the shit kicked out of you by a pedophile and two of your toes cut off by a mob boss; barely dodge being gunned down by the guards after stealthily climbing through the prison ventilation system to save the hot doctor from certain rape by a gang of out of control prisoners; burn off the upper portion of your back on a hot pipe while wearing a stolen guard uniform; dig small poisonous items out of your arm skin with a razor-blade; beat yourself bloody a few times (to fake being beaten by your paranoid roommate and also to fake insanity so you can track down your paranoid ex-roommate to draw you a picture of the tattoo you burned off on the pipe); while faking insanity make an ashtray for the hot doctor; apologize to the warden while also holding him at knife point after destroying the mini Taj Mahal you built for his wife; fake (or are you) loving the hot doctor so that the hot doctor will leave the weenie little doorknob of the infirmary unlocked so that you could deal with the obviously secondary problem of removing the bars from the infirmary windows; then run several miles while handcuffed to the pedophile who, incidentally, the mob boss wants to murder?”

“Remember, by doing so you are going to be pissing off not only the actual President of the United States, but also a team of elite, invisible, well-funded killers called “the Company” who apparently actually run the country, and you will spend the next several TV seasons on the lamb wearing an ugly beige suit, running from the COs, the Company, and the pilot-dude from Armageddon  … all so you could break me out of jail and keep me from going to the chair for killing some weird toothless guy who’s actually locked inside a multi-million dollar mansion in Montana?”

“Oh, and you also have to make a lot of origami doves, repeatedly revisit the greater implications of your conduct … and maintain TOTALLY flawless skin … Would you do it?”

A few minutes later I got this reply–

“Hmm.  Tough call.  How hot is the doctor? And how ugly is the beige suit?”

That’s my girl.