On Becoming a “No” Man

May 21, 2007 – 6:48 am |

In my work life I have always been easily describable as a “yes man.”  From what I have read in my glossy-covered magazines, women on the whole suffer in great number from this syndrome.  It seems we have a desire to answer all requests positively, to meet everyone’s demands, and to be all things to all people.  I suppose I’m no exception.

As a young associate I’d rarely turn down a request for my time or work.  Should a partner wander into my office, all matters were moved to the side, the legal pad was out, and I was tuned in.  It was a rare a request for immediate work or emergency assistance would be met with anything other than “Absolutely.  No Problem. I am happy to help.”  

It went without saying … Of course I can cancel all my personal plans - my plans to shop, date, bake, sleep, read, bathe and paint my toes.  Back then, usually flipping through those magazines, I would think I really need to learn to set boundaries.  I really need to learn to say “no.”    I just wasn’t sure how.

Turned out the answer was simple:  Have children.  

Fast forward three children later …and if I had a nickel for every “NO” or incarnation of “NO” I say during a day  … well needless to say I wouldn’t need to contemplate whether to stick some Google Advertising on this blog for extra cash.

“No you may not have [insert totally inappropriate sugar coated or filled item] before breakfast.”

“No, NO, NOO, [Kong], you may not [insert random, dangerous, life-threatening activity here].”

Of course, some “nos” are unavoidable and necessary in the job of protecting my children.  Certain requests (e.g. jawbreakers at 6 am or games that include sticking silverware in electrical outlets), simply cannot be accommodated.  But lately I’ve realized that my chorus of ‘nos’ seems to have grown to full harmonic proportions.  A woman who’s had past trouble drawing the line, I have now apparently grown more comfortable with setting the boundaries, and I wonder – at what cost?  

“Mom, can we get out the paint stuff?”
“Oooh, Maybe tomorrow… that’s so messy.”  

“Mom, You want to play Barbies?” 
“Sure, guys, but can you wait just ten minutes until I finish this [insert any task on the Google Lists.]

Or consider my reaction to my children entering the room while I’m chatting on an important personal call. Imagine if a partner had come into my office and I had said “Oh, Hold on one sec, sis,” and then moved the phone away while snapping something like … “You can see I am on the phone right now, what do you need?” 

There’s no doubt my obligations have grown and the time for myself for the shopping, dating, baking, sleeping, reading, bathing and painting my toes seems to continually shrink.  But, still, I can’t help but wonder why it’s sometimes much easier to draw the boundaries at home than at work.   I never would have guessed I’d someday aspire to be more of a “Yes Man.”