He Seems Awfully Optimistic for a Cynic.
June 18, 2007 – 9:48 pm |Not too long ago, I woke up feeling like a hypocrite, and I decided to do something about it. Lucky for me, here in the fabulous world-de-blog one needs no credentials whatsoever to play interviewer. Notoriously cynical blogger Chag graciously agreed to be my guinea pig and give me one dad’s take on the big issues of motherhood - you know, the Mommy Wars, the elusive balance and even THE GUILT. Check it out…
ME: First off, the only real criteria for posting this interview in my newly imagined category of “Dialogues with Dads” are: 1) you are a man and 2) you have children. So let’s clear those things up straight away. Are you a man?
Chag: Last time I checked.
Do you have children?
I have two children: Zoey, age 4, and Zed, age 2.
Excellent. Moving along to some other basic parenting chit-chat. We have a few readers in common, but for those who don’t read Cynical Dad - Do you work or stay home?
I have been a stay-at-home dad since my daughter was three months old. But I also do some freelance web stuff at night after everyone’s in bed.
Me too - I do a lot of freelance and contract work that can be done in the wee hours. A drawback can be that you miss out on alone time and couple time … how do you deal with that issue?
Since I’ve always been someone who can function on just a few hours of sleep, we still manage to have couple time. But what is this “alone time” of which you speak? Hell, I can rarely go to the bathroom alone anymore.
Funny! Me, neither. My 2 year-old is in a phase where he insists on following all of the rest of us to the bathroom so he can flush when we’re done. … But I digress. It seems dads still don’t make up a big chunk of the parent-at-home percentages. Tell us about making that choice … When you did work, what kind of profession were you in and how did you make the decision to be the dad at home?
I had a nice little 8 to 5 job where I did web programming. Online catalogs, search engines, databases, that kind of thing.Initially, my wife and I had decided to go the daycare route. We found a daycare we really liked that would cost half of my monthly paycheck, but we figured it was worth it.
Shortly before my wife was due to return to work from maternity leave, we decided that I would stay home with my daughter. Even though I was terrified, I turned in my resignation the next day. I have never regretted that decision.
Ok, so we hear a lot about the Mommy Wars, a concept Mommy Tracks readers know annoys me. Apparently that debate really revolves around the idea that one parent, and for the purpose of the so-called Wars the mother, should be home with the kids to avoid childcare. What do YOU think - is one parent at home, whether it’s mom or dad, the ideal?
Ideally, both parents would stay at home with the kids. But since I don’t think the government’s going to give us all a free lunch until our kids turn eighteen, you’ve got to do what’s best for your family. If you want to stay home with your kid and can afford it, I think you should do so. If you are more career-oriented, then you should do that. In the end, it’s all about the quality of the time you spend you spend with your children, not the quantity.
In your opinion - why do so few men actually make the choice to stay home?
Even though it’s 2007, women are still paid less than men. It’s tough enough to live on one salary, let alone one salary that’s considerably less than what a man would earn for the same profession.
True enough, unfortunately. What about interest - do you think there’s a lack of interest from dads as a whole to stay home? On a similar note … a lot of women seem to have much guilt about leaving kids for work - - do you think men suffer from that same kind of guilt. (No one ever asks men if they feel guilty going to work, you know.)
I really don’t think there’s a lack of interest. I think the majority of men would like to stay home with their kids. I really think it’s a money issue.
When my wife gave birth to my daughter, I took one week of unpaid maternity leave (I was the first male to ask for maternity leave in the company’s ninety-year existence). When I went back to work, I felt guilty for leaving my daughter behind. I missed her terribly.
So I would imagine that most men feel some guilt over leaving their children for work.
Having read your blog, I feel confident I already know the answer to this question, but let me ask it again anyway - do you think men are given equal credence with respect to their parenting choices and abilities?
No. I’ve been asked several times if I’m “babysitting” my children. I’ve been asked if I need help while in grocery stores and department stores. If I’m alone, I don’t get this kind of treatment. But if I have the kids with me, some people feel I need their assistance.
Some people get it, some don’t. I’ve had this gig for nearly five years. Everybody still has all their fingers and toes, so I like to think I’m doing a pretty good job.
I count toes, too! What do people want to help you with in the grocery store? How come no one ever offers to help me in the grocery store?
I’ve been asked if I need help finding anything. I’ve been asked if I’d like them to take my groceries to the car. One time, my son was crying and a lady came from the bakery department and gave him a cookie. Now she might do that for all the crying patrons, but I took it to mean she didn’t think I could console my child. Because I’m paranoid like that.
But none of this happens when I’m alone. So maybe I’m not paranoid?
And no one’s helping you at the grocery store because you’re a woman. My wife can go into the same stores with our children and no one gives her a second glance.
Hmm. I doubt whether anyone would give you or me a cookie if we were crying alone in the grocery store (But I might try it out just in case. 
) On a similar note, though, of all the travesties, what most annoys you in the spectrum of our dad-doesn’t-get-much-parenting-cred culture?
The parenting magazines that claim to be geared toward both parents when every article is written exclusively for mothers. The bumbling dads in commercials and sitcoms. Advertising slogans like “Kid Tested, Mother Approved.”
Ok. Confessional time, though. If I am being totally honest I know I am guilty of making false assumptions about my husband’s parenting abilities. I’ve improved, but in the earliest years I tended to monopolize certain tasks. I might have even accidentally said something like “are you sure you can handle [insert difficult parenting task].” I think part of the issue is that I thought since the kids were “my job” I had to be the best at it. I am about over that, but I am wondering … Since you are the one home with the kids is that dynamic reversed for you and your wife?
While I do share parenting tips and tricks I’ve discovered along the way, I never question her ability to parent our children. She’s their mom. She knows what she’s doing.
Ok, fine. But that doesn’t make me feel better. Does she ever question yours?
No. But she probably should.
In general is parenting different than you pictured? (For example, did you, like me, mistakenly assume your kids would always behave like angels at restaurants and on airplanes.)
My daughter was an angel until she was two. We could take her anywhere, do anything with her, and she’d always be on her best behavior. I thought that would last forever. I was mistaken.
What would you say is your biggest parenting challenge?
My son was recently diagnosed with autism. Currently, we’re researching and lining up different therapies and screenings for him. It’s made us reexamine everything.
And – of course - greatest parenting joy?
Seeing two little happy faces light up when I walk in the room. There’s no feeling like it.
Oh, I agree, that is the sweetest thing … EVIR. Thanks so much for letting me play interviewer. I appreciate it, and I enjoyed it.
The rest of you – to the comments with your own thoughts and be sure to swing by Cynical Dad for some terrifically funny observations on the parenting life.
