Iron Mom?

Reading Margaret Atwood’s Cat’s Eye last night, I came upon the following striking line:

“Because I am a mother, I am capable of being shocked: as I never was when I was not one.”

 The passage itself, and in the context of the protaganist grappling with her own personal history, conveys a concept I struggle with a lot:  How do we juxtapose our personal identity and worldview with the Job of Mom?   

For me, becoming a mother was like putting on a robotic helmet – envision Iron Man or Terminator.  I see the world as I normally would, but now with extras: facts and information  in digital red lettering springing  up in my peripheral vision  “DANGER” “UNSAFE” “OFFENSIVE”. (more…)

Posted in Job of Mom, The Fretting Feminist | |

If you dare wear short shorts …

It never occurred to me that I should shave my legs.  I don’t even recall being aware of leg hair.  Not until the summer before 8th grade on the Midway at the Montana State Fair. 

My best friend Julie and I were riding some amusement ride that whisked us high above the Fairgrounds and then stopped for loading and unloading.  We were swinging away, chatting it up about the cute boys on the ground below, when a crisp Montana gust came along and caused the fine blonde hairs on my leg to stand on end.

“Holy Cow,” remarked Julie, honest and amused, but not intentionally unkind, ”you look like an albino gorilla.”

That was the end of my youthful ignorance and the beginning of my hair removal life.

I bring this up only because, much to my disbelief and dismay, my 5 year-old daughter has recently started talking about her non-existent leg hair and lamenting that she doesn’t want her legs to someday be ”all hairy like Daddy’s.” 

I told her that all kids have hairy legs, and that when she’s a grown up she can choose whether to keep the hair or remove it..  I sensed her frustration with me immediately, “Oh, I’ll get rid of it,” she promised. 

So, tell me, was I the exception, or are our daughters growing up way, way, faster than we did?

Posted in The Fretting Feminist | |

The Mommy War Meme

If you watch any TV you know that, for mothers, every parenting choice is pretty black and white. We moms are at war, after all, duking it out on playgrounds, besting each other at PTA meetings, drag-racing our minivans down the interstate, all to win the title World’s Greatest Mommy.

In my blogging life at least, I have tried to avoid this trend. But, lately, I’ve been thinking – if you can’t beat ‘em, why not join ‘em. Instead of trying to have a civil and gender-inclusive discourse about parenting, I decided what we moms really need is quick and easy way to figure out who’s in which battle camp. After all, if you’re watching the Today Show, you know there are no in betweens, we all belong in various parenting camps, each sitting in judgment on the other. But how can we recognize each other? How can we figure out who’s on our team? I came up with a couple ideas.

Last week at 6’s soccer practice, I talked to the coach about borrowing some of those red vests the kids wear when they scrimmage. I thought I could start asking moms questions like: work or stay home? Then, I’d hand out the red vests to one side and we’d have a way to quickly recognize our teammates. Unfortunately, the coach said they didn’t have any to spare.

Then, when I was taking a “computer procrastination” test on Facebook (it should come as no surprise I didn’t fare well), a solution occurred to me. Why not a quiz or a meme? After all, if we’re at war, we should be able to easily develop some quick questions, tally up our comparison percentage points and know who our friends should be. To that end, I give you: The Mommy War Meme. (more…)

Posted in The Fretting Feminist | |

Feminism Freshens Up, Gets Glamorous.

I was in college at the height of Rush Limbaugh – when the popular debate about gender equality involved words like the ridiculously imagined label “Feminazi”. At a time when men cowered in fear of this seething creature of conservative fantasy, college gals were quick to dodge the feminist label, even while appearing to agree with principles of equality.

It seemed many perceived the word ‘feminist’ as the calling card of the bra-less, the hairy, the angry, the man-hating, the Birkenstock-clad. (Most of the time, depending on how many times I’d hit the snooze button that morning and whether non-committal musician boyfriend had been returning my calls, I only fit two of those categories at a time, so I felt conflicted about the appropriateness of adopting the title for myself.) (more…)

Posted in The Fretting Feminist | |

Perhaps She’s Not A Genius After All.

I got it wrong.  According to Motoko Rich, of the New York Times publishing beat, the mother-consumer is not actually buying books about feminist issues.  Apparently, catchy titles, talk show appearances and inflamed bloggers don’t equate to book sales.  Who knew?

Just for the record, I actually was going to buy the book, but when I put “Read a Book With an Inflammatory Title Whose Basic Premise I Already Support” on my Google To-Do List I stuck a ‘low priority’ tag on it.  You already know what happens to those tasks. 

Edited to Add:  This just in… I might have been right the first time.  Lot o’ people not real happy with Rich for writing off the Bennetts book as a non-seller. 

I think maybe I liked the old feminism better – you know, the good old days, when we attacked men instead of each other.

Posted in The Fretting Feminist | |

The Author’s Marketing Genius

Being short on time, I don’t feel compelled to read the latest cog in the Mommy War machine: Leslie Bennetts’ book The Feminine Mistake.  Plus, having read much of the buzz, I feel confident I understand her hypothesis.  Bennetts argues that when choosing to leave careers for childrearing many women don’t consider the long term economic impact.   By depending on men for income now, Bennetts posits, women may significantly limit their choices later in life – with negative consequences for them and their children.  It’s a common story and an immensely important point, worthy of discussion.  But I’m not entirely convinced Leslie Bennetts really cares about propelling civic discourse.

Bennetts’ titling of the book is simulataneously a clever invocation of Friedan feminism and genius marketing, and I’m admittedly jealous. You tap a nerve, you sell a book.  Still - in every article I read - Bennetts, a savvy journalist by trade, defensively insists she had ”no idea” the book would cause such a “backlash”.   

Sure, Leslie, you put right on the cover of your book: “Hey, Mom, Your Choice Was WRONG,”  and you didn’t have the slightest inkling it would disturb mothers and cause buzz?  The suggestion is disingenuous at best and preposterous at worst. 

Unfortunately, the combination of the savvy title, her defensive response, and the current status of reporting feeds the One-Right-Answer myth and sells news.  We’re back to arguing about who’s best instead of discussing the more important questions … How can we abolish gender and family discrimination in the workplace?    Why do we accept the high cost of childcare while also accepting such low standards of care?  And what action can people take to  care for their children and protect their financial future?

Unfortunately, the real and important questions implicated by Bennetts’ work have been lost in a sea of provocative news headlines and biased blogging.  Too bad. 

Posted in The Fretting Feminist | |