Mommy Tracks: Part Deux

The truth of the matter is that I started this blog when I was in the stay-at-home portion of my attempt at trying on for size and fit every possible work arrangement for parents.

Recently, I returned to working full-time.  Starting in a couple weeks I will step cautiously on to a new course - the tenure track.  As I voyage into that unfamiliar world, I will also be sending my oldest child to a new school, launching my middle child into Kindergarten and enrolling Kong in his first season of full-time daycare.

And, so, once again, the approach of September has me feeling a combination of fear and excitement.  I won’t be talking much about work here, but I do intend to keep observing the conundrums of life and parenting.  Bear with me if posting remains a bit slow, and thanks for reading.

Posted in Biography of a Blog | |

To Blog or Not To Blog…

I don’t read very many blogs.

There. I said it. I am non-supportive, unhelpful, and completely outside the community of love-spreading parent-bloggers.

It’s not because I don’t find blogs I like. It’s because when I find a lot of good blogs at once, I get really busy.

Here’s what happens:

I click over to somewhere I’ve never read - say I hit up BitchPhD because Blog Nosh has a great essay she wrote about her “openish” marriage, and I think ooh, really personal information - MUST HAVE MORE, and my voyeur heads on over to see what else she might reveal.

And I think, Wow, that BitchPhD is smart and a really great blogger. She’s so open-minded and full of conviction and … risque. I should stop being so worried about my career and start blogging about my deep, dark secrets, or, at least about my political convictions. So I sit down to reveal my deep dark secrets and discuss my political convictions.

But I don’t have any of either.

My past isn’t all that seedy. (Indeed, even the non-committal musician boyfriend of my tortured youth was a celibate Catholic choir boy.)

By the time I am done reading, I decide that seeing as how my marriage is closed-ish and my past is seedi-less and my politics are more of a purple and less primary in color, I should probably just give up blogging.

TO DO: give up blogging, get more body art and decide on a candidate.

Or, maybe, instead of Bitch, I find Halushki the same way (that damn Blog Nosh). And after reading Jozet’s beautiful post about kids losing their sense of magic, I discover the home of Black Hockey Jesus, a real parentblogging A-Lister, and I read his explanation about why and how he conceals his identity. And I think - OMG! Should I conceal my identity? I should probably conceal my identity. What if I get fired? What if I get stalkers? I am about one step removed from fully googleable, maybe using my actual name was a bad idea. I probably should quit blogging.

TO DO: Quit blogging, get phone number unlisted, and read my kids a story about fairies.

And then from BHJ I remember I haven’t checked in on Cynical Dad in awhile, and I get there and I discover that not only is Chag still blogging up a storm, posting daily over every other day, but his site is crazy cool, full of fun and links (and ads!) and looks like he spends time on it, and from Chag I end up visiting - Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored a cute mom who’s talking about RSS feeders and how they stymie earnings from advertisitng and how we should support each other.

So pretty soon I am thinking - wow so some people actually get money from their blogvertising? I only made $25 last year. Why am I doing this if I am not going to do it right?

TO DO: Quit blogging, read more blogs, stop reading blogs in my feed reader.

Of course, during the time I am reading all those blogs, completely lost in a universe of personal writing, I am not parenting, not reading fairy stories, not writing the essays in my mind, or for the job I love, and I think - somehow, somewhere, someday this has to end.

And then I click back to my own blog, and MommyTime has left me a nice comment. And, because I am a complete sucker for any kind of positive reinforcement, even just one supportive little comment, I think “somebody likes me!” and I defer the decision to another day.

Posted in Biography of a Blog | |

I finally got high.

I gave up a lot of things during the holidays and the doldrums of January.   I didn’t just quit blogging, I took an much less intended breather from exercise.  But, finally, last Saturday on my favorite holiday, Groundhog Day, when the temperature briefly jumped enough to take it outside, I met up with Running again. 

Last year at this time I wasn’t a runner. In fact, well into the spring of last year, I hated Running.  During the early parts of my training for last fall’s Twin Cities Ten Mile, I had to give myself strange assignments (like silently, and geekily, reciting the Periodic Table of Elements) to help pass the time when I was running, to keep me moving, to avoid thinking about how much I hated it. 

Throughout my training, I kept waiting to feel that “high” that runners always talk about.  I kept waiting to experience that “lost time” where I just wandered into my thoughts oblivious to my aching legs and burning lungs and forgot I was running.  Unfortunately, it never really happened. 

To be honest, even when I ran the Ten Miler, the first half went okay, but I spent miles 6-9 arguing with running.  The mantra Boy, running sure sucks would start to creep into my head, and I would push it away.  At about mile 7, when I couldn’t keep pace with my friend D. any more, Running and I got into an argument. 

“You’re right,” Running said, “this does suck, why don’t you just walk.”  And I said, “*&&^ you, Running. I gave birth to nine pound babies. I can do anything for twenty more minutes.”   

Despite the argument, I was elated to finish, and looking forward to keeping up my training.  But I sort of fell off the wagon, and I really hadn’t run, at least not for any length or with much consistency, since the race - until last Saturday, when I crawled back on. 

As it happens, by the time I got out running on Saturday, I really had myself all worked up about a number of personal issues, including, of course my purported crisis de blog about which I’ve been whining endlessly.  Somewhere around mile 2  it occurred to me that I have a nasty need for purpose and structure that sometimes holds me back.  It occurred to me that  I don’t really need to have A Great Bloggy Plan.  I don’t really need to know why I’m writing or for whom.  The thing about the format of the weblog is that I can just blog when I can about what I can … just because I like it, and that’s reason enough.    

The fact that this came as a complete shock to me should give you some insight into one of my faults (one those who know me observe frequently) - I can spend a whole lot of time analyzing, worrying and stressing my way to conclusions that seem quite obvious.

I was still mulling all that over Saturday during my run when I suddenly realized that I’d run more than a mile without paying any attention at all to Running.  I had made it to the end of my goal  without thinking about Running once.  Not only was I lost in my brain, oblivious to the physical strain, but I also had such endorphin-induced clarity of vision. 

As I walked to the car, smiling and contemplating all this, Running piped up enthusiastically, “So, Leo, does this mean we’re finally friends now?”

“Nope,” I replied, “We’re still not friends.  Now, Running, you’re totally my bitch.”

Posted in Biography of a Blog, Ten Mile Madness | |

The dog ate my flash drive.

Actually, it’s really not the dog’s fault.  I thought the INTERNET BREAK would help me solve my bloxistential crisis, but I haven’t found any answers.

I know other people deal with this, so tell me, please - if you’re a blogger, why do you blog?  who do you blog for?  what do you blog for? what do you expect from the blogging process?  If you’re a blogreader why do you read blogs?  what keeps you reading?

Now that I have delegated all that thinking to you all, I’m going to go watch the Season Premiere of Lost.

Posted in Biography of a Blog | |