Breaking Dawn: The Worst Ending Since Pretty in Pink

January 22, 2009 – 2:42 pm |

Please be advised this post and its links contain spoilers of the books in the Twilight Series.  

I should have loved Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight books.  I love a pop culture phenomenon, and I love young adult novels.  I love hot, tortured, misunderstood leading men who brood.  Given the choice between a high school romance (especially if it involves a nerdy girl with inner beauty discreetly disguised by big glasses, poor fashion sense or, like Bella, klutziness of dangerous proportions), and award-winning storytelling, well, I’ll tune in to the former on Oxygen seven nights per week.  I love seeing teenage girls read, especially with their mothers!  And I love a fairy tale.  I *should* have loved Twilight.

But I did not love it.  In fact, I hated it.  I hated every minute of every page-turning, addictive book.  For this, I blame motherhood.

Like many maligned bestsellers, the books earned their share of literary criticism, much of it legitimate. Reviewers denounced poor editing, slow development, and mediocre writing.  Fans of vampire lore balked at the undoing of the genre in the name of schmaltzy romance.  Feminists decried a thinly veiled pro-marriage, pro-life agenda with questionably violent love scenes.  Even the pop friendly found the fantastic resolution of the series over the top.

I appreciate these critics’ articulate analysis, but my hatred was more personal.  I can set aside my feminist principles in the name of a good fairytale.  I can forgive simple sentence structure.  (Indeed, I love simple sentence structure.)  But as I read the books, as I tried to channel the teenage girl within and crush on the mysterious guy in the cafeteria, I couldn’t.  Reading this series I transformed.  I lost my romantic fourteen year-old and found in her place a cynical, skeptical creature.  I hated the books because I spent the entire series arguing with Bella in my head.  Like I was her mother.

For example, in Book 1 – Twilight

Me:   What’s a dude who’s hundreds of years old doing falling in love with a seventeen year old girl?  It’s creepy. Is he some sort of pedophile?

Bella: Love knows no age. Plus, he’s so hot.  And I LOVE him.

Me: I might buy it if you can please just explain *why* you love him?

Bella: Because, even though he feels like cold marble, he’s SO HOT.  It’s very ironic.

Me: Ok, Alanis, but really, what about him, why does he love you? There must be some explanation for why he fell in love for the first time in several centuries with you.

Bella: He can’t figure out what I’m thinking. It turns him on.

Me: Oh, yes, you’re  a real mystery.

Or, in Book 2: New Moon

Me:  I see Edward is gone.  Jacob’s lovely, you know, and also mostly human.  That could work.

Bella: I can’t stop thinking about Edward.

Me: Please, please, please stop thinking about Edward. It’s for the best. You cannot give everything up and join the undead. It doesn’t work that way.

Bella: Guess what! Edward’s back.

Me: Crap.

Book 3: Eclipse

Me: I know Edward is back and everything, but, really what about Jacob?  He’s nice, and you know, human.

Bella: He’s just a really good friend.

Me: You know, you’re supposed to marry the friend.  You’re not supposed to marry the hot, tortured, undead guy.  Please don’t marry the undead guy. I cannot believe that you could end up married to the vampire.  No, it’s all wrong.

Bella: I don’t want to marry Edward.  I’m too young.

Me: Finally, you’re speaking some sense.

Bella:  But I have to marry him.  Otherwise, he won’t have sex with me, and I am so horny.

Me: Oh COME on, what kind of game is this guy playing?  Seriously.

Or, the worst of it, in Book 4-

Me:  Fine, you married him.  I’ll deal with that.  Just please promise me you won’t let him turn you into a vampire and leave your parents and humanity behind.  Please go to college.

Bella: Don’t worry, I won’t let him turn me into a vampire. At least, not until after I walk to the edge of death bearing his monster spawn.  Who knew I could get pregnant from sex?!  Crazy.   Anyway, no worries, I’ll have all of eternity to go to college when I’m a vampire.  I’ll also sparkle.